Joe’s Guide to Hosting your own Olympics

Joe Fortune here, and I’m continuing to get excited about the Olympic Games starting in Paris very soon. This year, I’ve decided that I’m going to be hosting yet again another version of my own games for my mates, neighbours and any other legends who are regulars at my local.

I’ll level with you; after creating chaos at the last games, I’ve had to ditch the Esky throwing comp this time around… Some of you may recall that Aunty Charlene tried to get more distance by using some roundhouse throwing technique, and ended up launching the Esky through one of a visiting farmer’s ute’s windows! That aside there’s still plenty to look forward to, so let’s get on with it. Here’s my quick guide to the rules, key events and prizes.

 

Rules

Straight up, to enter the spirit of ‘Joe’s Games’, every competitor needs to have a shot of Bundaberg Rum before coming into the field of play. Then it is down to the individual to decide whether they want to hit the grog, have a few darts, or simply keep on the flat whites… Apart from that, the only other rule is that you must be there until the very end of the games, or else any early departures means you’ve got to buy the next round at the pub. Oh, and of course, my decision is final on any disputes!

Cracker Eating Contest

What better way to kick off than building up everyone’s thirst. I know that many of you will be familiar with trying to eat 3 of these in a minute, but in my first event, this is a time trial where you get 5 mins to eat as many as possible. Liquid is banned until 30 seconds before the end of the task, at which stage you can’t put anymore crackers in your mouth, but you can use the time to make sure you’ve swallowed every crumb to be in contention.

Sneaky Bill was disqualified last time out as he brought a secret pot of capsicum dip along to help soften up the crackers, which helped speed up his finishing of the crackers. The judge, that’s me, deemed that highly unsatisfactory and so have reminded all that this is straight up completely unacceptable, and sanctions will be brought in for anyone caught trying to beat the system. There’s no need to go to the bunker as the judge’s ruling is final! If my good mate J Webby Can Eat turns up, he is not allowed to join this event for obvious reasons!

 

Jug Chug Challenge

I’m not encouraging anyone to steal jugs from your local, if you’re needing a few, then have a word with the landlord and borrow them! This challenge falls into two categories, those who want to drink beers and those who want to stick to water. Very different skill sets are needed. Players can only compete in one of the two disciplines, not both.

In the opening round, players are given a filled jug, and it comes down to a time trial with the top 4 qualifying through to the semi-finals, where this is then a direct knockout. Rules are relaxed here, you can drink straight from the jug, pour into other vessels of your choosing, and even eat a few salty snacks to help speed up the pace which players drink. My neighbour ‘Ratty Roger’ has been seen practising heavily at his local RSL, having missed out on gold 4 years ago and is very much the favourite to win the beer challenge. Given recent reports, Paul Kent is temporarily suspended from competing in this event!

Tinnie Mountain

You’ll need to make sure you keep all your empty tinnies here. I’ve stockpiled a load and not put them into the recycling bin to have enough to ensure all competitors have enough. Big shout out to our local barista, Daphne, who has selfishly been knocking back cans of cider to ensure I’ve plenty of tinnies for all participants.

The aim here is to build the highest mountain made of the empties as possible. They can be flattened, ripped apart, and reshaped, but no other materials can be used during the competition. All entrants are given 5 minutes to see how tall their sculpture can reach; appearances don’t matter; it’s all about the height, which determines the winner.

 

Rocks Papers Scissors

It’s a classic that everyone knows – this is a straight knock out tournament. All names go into a cap. Now, depending on how many entries you’ve got here, a couple of players might get a bye to the second round. This always causes some contention, and I’ve been accused of it having been a fix, so this time around I’ve got one of my techie mates to devise an electronic system to make it as transparent as possible, I’m sure someone is still going to have a whinge…

Early rounds it’s the first to 5, and then every round that goes by, you increase the total by 2 games, building up to an epic final. The greatest drama tends to unfold in the bronze medal match, where the loser misses out on landing on the podium. I’ll warn you in advance of all the events, this one has the greatest amount of sledging of all the games. Last time, our local landlady Cheryl prevailed in part down to her mental bravery and understanding the weaknesses of regulars in her pub!

Prizes

Now I’m not going out on spending a load of money on what to give people who get on the podium, so I keep it simple. Anyone who finishes third is awarded with a bronze-coloured stubby holder, who doesn’t need one of them!? Second place gets a bloody nice silver water bottle, and to the winners, a ripper green and gold cap which can be worn with pride. Finally, it goes without saying whoever finishes last in the most events goes home with the Joe Fortune Wooden Spoon. Just quietly, I’ve had a few bucks on Old Terry retaining it, given he has barely left the VIP area of his RSL in the last year, and I don’t reckon he has seen the sun once!