How to Survive A Cocaine Bear Attack
Living in Australia, you’re never safe from a surprise attack by wildlife. A deadly cone snail with harpoon teeth may fatally puncture your bare feet in shallow water; a funnel web spider may inject potent neurotoxins into your bloodstream for the heinous crime of handling firewood.
One of the lesser-known dangers of Australian wildlife is the dreaded cocaine bear, and he doesn’t care where you put your hands and feet: he knows only the nose. Sniff. Sniff. And he’ll smell you a mile away. So let’s batten down the hatches, find clues in a classic blues rock song, and learn the ways of these moody, malevolent mammals.
Watch out, Pablo Escobear. Joe’s training up a new army of narcos.
What’s the lowdown, Joe?
“If you want to hang out, you’ve gotta take her out, cocaine”
Cocaine bears are known to frequent locations such as remote nightclubs, outdoor music festivals, or rowdy campsites blasting Iggy Pop, Fleetwood Mac, JJ Cale and Ozzy Osborne. If these legends of rock ‘n’ roll aren’t on your radar, then you’ve probably never been able to afford cocaine. And that’s good news for your mucous membranes.
Attacks by cocaine bears are nothing to sniff at. They may result in the severing of limbs, permanent trauma or death, or the mandatory deep-seated regret of a three-day hangover, an empty bank account and the barrage of angry texts calling you an obnoxious douche.
If you find yourself in the unfortunate predicament of coming face to face with a vicious cocaine bear, simply follow the steps outlined in this guide to save your life, your social standing and your dignity.
What is a Cocaine Bear, Joe?
“If you want to get down, down on the ground, cocaine”.
The “Cocaine Bear” was immortalised in the American comedy horror film of the same name, released in this very year of 2023. The plot follows a black bear who ingests nearly 34 kilos of cocaine that a drug smuggler accidentally lost in the wilderness. The bear transforms into a chaotic, rage-filled monster that brutally mauls hikers in the woods. It’s a rollicking good time.
As far-fetched as it seems, the story of a bear unwittingly ingesting a heroic dose of cocaine is true. Kinda. The real story was dead on arrival because the bear did not survive the overdose. It promptly died. Of course. But you may not be so lucky – which is why I’ve crafted this guide.
Am I in danger of a cocaine bear attack?
“If you got bad news, you want to kick them blues, cocaine”.
If it could have happened once, it could have happened again. Yes, it does make sense.
All it takes is one witless drug dealer and a badly packed bag of improperly stored “nose candy”, as they say, and there will easily be another cocaine bear epidemic happening in an area near you.
Don’t be a victim. Come prepared. Always have this guide in your hiking pack.
How does a cocaine bear attack?
“When your day is done, and you want to run, cocaine”.
You’re out in the wilderness, minding your own business, perhaps relieving yourself in a bush, when a bear appears in the not-so-distant distance.
You repeat the motto to yourself: If it’s black fight back, if it’s brown lay down. But what was the mantra for if it’s got a white snout…? Was it – all bets are out? Uh oh. This is not a drill, this is not a drill!
Stay calm. Knowledge is power. Cocaine bears are known to attack in the following ways:
- Surprise mauling. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. A cocaine bear can go from zero to a hundred in the span of about three seconds. I’ll see that your grave is kept clean.
- A slow-motion assault. A bear on copious amounts of cocaine may be a touch uncertain. I mean, he looks great and he knows how to pull the chicks, but is he really so much better than everyone else? He may approach with slouched shoulders followed by a timid nudge of his powdered snout. He’s saying, “Hey bro, you got any more of this stuff?” which is immediately followed by an insatiable rage when he realises you’re all out. We’ll never forget you.
- The methodical hunt. Cocaine bears may linger behind trees and stealthily follow in your footsteps. If you hear unexplained crackling of leaves or heavy breathing that sounds a bit too laboured for your hiking companion’s asthma, a cocaine bear might be following you. You were too young! So full of promise!
In the event of any form of attack from a cocaine bear, calmly pull out this guide and refer to the steps in the next section: “How can I save myself?”
How can I save myself?
“If your day is gone, and you want to ride on, cocaine”.
First of all, don’t panic.
The cocaine bear is fuelled by 34 kilos of rage-inducing chemicals combined with a flood of dopamine and a furious god complex. But it’s not hopeless. Anyone or anything on this amount of cocaine has at least one of four common traits, and I’ve identified all four corresponding calming procedures to your benefit.
Follow these steps:
- Try dancing. Many beings who ingest cocaine are using it as an accompaniment to a groovy dance party. The cocaine bear may simply be looking to blow some steam and let loose. Don’t hold back, here. Try to impress him with the pop-locking skills you learned on YouTube during Covid-19 lockdowns.
- Engage the bear in philosophical conversation. Many people who take such illicit drugs are predisposed to chattering for hours about the meaning of life and their own existential crises. Use this to your advantage and try asking the bear about its relationship with its mother. Prepare for a long night.
- Offer the cocaine bear a cup of hot herbal tea. Camomile tea contains compounds like apigenin, which have mild sedative and anti-anxiety properties.
- If all else fails, snort your own line of cocaine. It’s possible that the cocaine bear wants only to find a party companion, and if it’s human and alive then so be it. In that case, assuage your terror by leaning into the experience and living your best life.
Joe Fortune Casino is the Place for Games
“Don’t forget this fact, you can’t get it back, cocaine”.
Running from wild bears that are high on illicit drugs can be exhausting. If you ever find yourself in such a strenuous predicament, take some time to yourself to recoup your energy.
As long as at least one arm remains after the cocaine bear attack, you can easily play any of the games at Joe Fortune Online Casino.
“She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie – Cocaine”.
We have hundreds of pokies to choose from as well as table games and specialty games. Play for progressive jackpots, Hot Drop Jackpots, or any number of in-game prizes. If you ever need more assistance with cocaine bears, my customer service team is on standby. Alternatively, give Emergency Services a bell on 000.